Grief doesn’t always arrive as tears with dramatic loss. Sometimes it shows up as constant exhaustion, a tight chest, or a quiet emptiness you can’t quite explain. Many people move through their days carrying sadness in silence, wondering if what they feel is “normal”, or how long this heaviness will stay.
In understanding the 7 cycles of grief, we can begin to see how shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance move through us in waves, and gently lead us towards meaning making. Moving through the cycles reminds us that mourning takes time and presence. Slowly, we can learn to live (and thrive) alongside loss, rather than carrying it in isolation.
So, What is Grief?
Grief is our natural human response to loss. It’s our unique inner experience. While it’s most commonly associated with death, grief can also emerge after separation, illness, fertility challenges, identity shifts, or major life transitions – for example, the end of a breastfeeding journey, when your child starts school, menopause, or pregnancy loss.
At its heart, the 7 cycles of grief remind us that loss affects both our inner and outer worlds, and that grief isn’t linear. It’s cyclical, messy and often-unpredictable. Emotionally, grief may show up as sadness, anger or despair. Physically, it can look like fatigue, sleep disruption, or changes in appetite. Mentally, it often brings confusion or difficulty concentrating.
These 7 cycles of grief are expressions of a nervous system learning to live with change. And, there is no universal timeline for the process.
7 Cycles of Grief
The concept of the 7 cycles of grief grew from the work of Swiss American psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler Ross, who first introduced the Five Stages of Grief in her 1969 book On Death and Dying.
Kubler Ross’s work was originally based on interviews with people who were dying, and explored anticipatory grief. Over time, other researchers expanded this framework into 7 cycles to reflect how grief often unfolds in deeper and more complex ways after loss. Rather than following a neat order, the 7 cycles of grief tend to move fluidly as we process change. The cycles include:
Shock
Shock marks the first cycle and often comes immediately after a sudden loss. Many people feel numb, detached, or strangely calm. This emotional buffering is the body’s way of protecting itself from overwhelming pain. Even when loss is expected, shock can still surface, creating a sense of unreality.
Denial
Denial shows up when the mind struggles to accept what has happened. You may intellectually understand the loss, yet emotionally it feels impossible. People often describe brain fog, forgetfulness, and difficulty concentrating during this cycle.Denial creates temporary space to process reality at a pace the nervous system can manage.
Anger
Anger can be directed outward toward others, circumstances, or even the person who has died. It can also turn inward as self blame. This cycle is often misunderstood or suppressed, yet it plays an important role in releasing bottled emotions and subsequently, in healing. Expressing anger safely allows deeper feelings of sadness to emerge and move out of the body.
Bargaining
Bargaining reflects a search for meaning or control. Thoughts like “if only” or “what if” become common. Some people make promises to themselves or a higher power, hoping the pain might lessen. Guilt frequently appears here, as the mind replays past choices and imagines alternative outcomes.
Depression
As reality settles in, grief may deepen into deep sadness, withdrawal, fatigue, or a sense of emptiness. Daily routines can feel heavy, and motivation often drops. This cycle doesn’t mean something is wrong. It reflects the heart acknowledging the depth of loss. Support from others becomes especially important during this stage. Grief educator Dr Alan D Wolfelt emphasises that “the grief journey requires contemplation and turning inward. It requires depression, anxiety and loss of control. It requires going into the wilderness”.
Acceptance and Hope
Acceptance doesn’t mean forgetting or moving on. It means recognizing that life has changed, and slowly learning how to live within that new reality. Moments of hope may begin to surface. You may reconnect with others, return to, or find new routines, or feel brief periods of peace, even while sadness still exists.
Processing Grief
Processing grief is an ongoing integration of loss into daily life. There is no finish line. Some days feel manageable, others feel overwhelming. Over time, emotions tend to soften, making space for meaning, memory, and connection. Healing happens gradually, shaped by compassion, patience, and support. Healing happens by feeling.
While it’s common to look at the 7 cycles of grief in order, it’s more accurate to view this process as a recurring cycle of cycles, rather than a series of levels to be completed.
As Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and David Kessler clarify in their joint work, On Grief and Grieving, the stages of loss were never meant to ‘tuck messy emotions into neat packages.’ Instead, they are fluid markers of a non-linear journey.
Later, in his book Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief, Kessler expanded on this by introducing Finding Meaning, a stage that helps us move beyond simply accepting loss toward living with it in a purposeful way.
In reality, most people find that they may experience two or three stages at once, and then loop back to an earlier stage when a new layer of grief surfaces. And, this can happen many times on the journey.
Grief vs Mourning
To recap, grief is our natural and personal inner response to loss. It’s what we think and feel. Grief happens organically, while mourning often requires action. As Dr Wolfelt explains, mourning is how we express those thoughts and feelings in the outside world.
“To mourn is to be an active participant in our grief journeys… If we are to heal, we must also mourn,”
Mourning includes crying, talking about your loss, engaging in rituals or ceremonies, sharing stories, putting together photo albums, journaling, cutting off your hair, wearing culturally prescribed clothes, lighting a candle, or shaving your head. The list of mourning rites and rituals is probably infinite.
The 6 Needs of Mourning
While everyone experiences the 7 cycles of grief and mourns differently, Wolfelt introduces the six needs of mourning – places along the path to healing that we must all stop at and rest These are not steps to complete, but ongoing experiences that support healing, meaning-making, and integration. They include:
Acknowledging the reality of the loss
This means gently allowing the truth of what has happened to enter your awareness. Often this unfolds slowly, and repetitively, through remembering, storytelling, and revisiting moments connected to the loss.
Each time you speak it out loud, the reality becomes a little more tangible, a little more felt. It’s normal for this acknowledgement of the loss to take weeks, or even months. Be patient and compassionate with yourself, in the same way that you would be with others.
Embracing the pain of the loss
Many of us are taught to stay strong, keep busy, or move on quickly. We don’t want to feel pain. Yet, truly understanding and healing with grief asks something different. Healing begins when pain is allowed to be felt in safe doses.
Turning toward sadness in this way, rather than moving away from it, helps the nervous system release what has been held onto. You might want to find someone you trust to hold you in this process. It could be in-person, or online. It might be a fur friend, or other animal. Pets make incredible space holders. And remember, sometimes, distraction from the pain is ok too.
Remembering what has been lost
After someone dies, the relationship doesn’t disappear. It changes form. Memory becomes a bridge. Photos, stories, rituals, and meaningful objects help sustain connection and allow love to continue in a new way.
Remembering supports hope by honouring the past. This also holds true for situations like the end of relationships, life transitions, the death of a pet, moving home etc.
Developing a new self identity
Loss reshapes who we are. Roles change. Daily rhythms shift. Society may re-label us. You may notice yourself becoming someone new before you feel ready. This part of mourning is often invisible to others, and invites self-compassion for the tender process of rebuilding identity.
Searching for meaning
Grief often opens deep questions about life, purpose, and spirituality. You may find yourself asking why this happened, or how to move forward when everything feels different. Meaning does not arrive all at once.
It emerges slowly through reflection, conversation, and lived experience. It can be an exhausting part of the process. Again, please offer yourself both patience and compassion and reach out for support where you can.
Receiving ongoing support from others
Wolfelt emphasises that healing doesn’t happen in isolation. The quality and consistency of support deeply influences healing. Family, friends, fellow mourners, and professional guides can help hold space when grief feels too heavy to carry alone.
Mourning takes time, and support remains essential months and even years after loss. Asking for help is not a weakness. But it can be hard in societies where value is placed on the ability to ‘stay strong’, ‘carry on’ and be ‘doing well’.
A Gentle Invitation to Go Deeper
If your own journey through the cycles of grief is just beginning, or feels unfinished or tender, The Tomorrow House offers the Making Sense of Loss and Grief Workshop. This grounded, inclusive and sensitive experience invites participants into gentle learning, personal reflection, nervous system regulation, guided meditation, group discussion, journaling, and movement for 7 cycles of grief practices.
Rather than trying to fix grief, the workshop centers on compassionate presence, strengthening support, and learning how to walk alongside loss. Sometimes, moving through the 7 cycles of grief does not begin with clarity or closure. It begins with being seen, heard, and gently supported. In shared spaces like this, grief is no longer something you carry alone.
References:
Center for Loss & Life Transition. (n.d.). The six central needs of mourning. https://www.centerforloss.com/grief/six-needs-mourning/
HCF. (n.d.). The physical and mental stages of moving through grief. https://www.hcf.com.au/health-agenda/body-mind/mental-health/moving-through-grief
Kessler, D. (2019). Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief. Scribner.
Kübler-Ross, E., & Kessler, D. (2005). On grief and grieving: Finding the meaning of grief through the five stages of loss. Scribner.
Legg, T. J. (2020, May 19). The stages of grief: How to understand your feelings. Healthline. https://www.healthline.com/health/stages-of-grief#7-stages
The Loss Foundation. (n.d.). Understanding grief: The seven stages and the Loss Foundation’s approach. https://thelossfoundation.org/understanding-grief-the-seven-stages-and-the-loss-foundations-approach/
Thriveworks. (2024, January 23). Grief vs. mourning: What is the difference? https://thriveworks.com/help-with/grief-loss/grief-vs-mourning/
Wolfelt, A.D. (2016). Counseling Skills for Companioning the Mourner. The Fundamentals of Effective Grief Counseling. Companion Press
Written by Aurelia Lois, Samantha Leggett, and Caroline Siane (The Tomorrow House team)
